one thing i learned recently about myself

what i learned…

 

i recently learned that i suffer from food addiction, a form of disordered eating.

a few months back, i decided to try the medi-fast diet to drop some weight. i had seen many of my friends and acquaintances have great success with the plan, and so i decided to give it a try. i thought that it would be so easy, all of what i needed was in a tiny little pouch…i just needed to add water. it was supposed to be that easy. i had always had great willpower and self-control…

the first three days were supposed to be the worst, but everyday after that was even worse. everyday, every hour, every minute…every meal i was so sad…i was grieving…grieving the loss of smell, taste, feeling of texture, ability to chew. i slipped into sadness and depression…i felt so hopeless, wanting to do the plan and lose weight…but, becoming so despondent that i had to quit. i rationalized to myself that medi-fast just wasn’t the right plan for me…and perhaps something else would be…all the while smothering the real reasons and feelings for my grief with food.

it was here, at this point, that i learned that i was addicted to food…that i had an eating disorder.

…therapy…

today we were supposed to begin working on helping me to stop being anxious over the idea of having the next panic attack.  we were to begin by inducing a panic attack within the safe confines of therapy.  we had to, however, finish working on the skeleton of our plan…which was fine with me, because i wasn’t quite sure if i was ready for an all out attack! save that for next week…

i want to see:  eat pray love.  that is something that i would love to do in real life…go on an adventure…marvel at something.

today…i blurted out that i would make a great prisoner of war…then i said that was stupid.  i was told that it was survival…which is the opposite…which in reality is very smart.  i hadn’t thought about it that way.

i learned that addiction is an attachment.

and…i learned that people with body image/size disorders tend to have ptsd, as a form of coping mechanism.