this week in therapy

this week in therapy —>

i apologized for becoming fifth gear the week before
came to the realization that fifth gear = panic (attack)
listened and answered questions, instead of just running amok
revisited the previous session regarding the group and her leaving
talked about continuing therapy in her portland office
discussed rates
talked about my previous experiences with therapy and therapists
examined my anxiety level

no homework for this week and no appointment next week because of labor day

therapy – this week (weak)

oh dear Lordie…i was so weak this week.  i didn’t mean to, but, i went into my session…having a full-blown…#10…panic attack.  i felt so stupid…and weak…i don’t like people seeing me like that…especially not my therapist!  it was completely humiliating.

what caused it?  i don’t know exactly.  i think that my shirt was short…and i was very aware of it…trying to pull it down over my fat belly as i walked to the office.  my therapist held the door open for me…and i always feel very self-conscious about my size when trying to slide past her with my big fat ass.  and then, while i was huffing and puffing trying to make it down the hallway to her office,,,i let her know that i was sorry for not making it to the group on thursday (body, food, & mood).  i asked her if she got my message, she said that she had…and then asked what was wrong with me.  i told her that my blood sugar levels were all wonky…which was the truth…but told it in such a breathless…and fighting for breath fashion…i’m sure it came out weird…like i was lying or something.

once inside of her office…i sank down into the mushy sofa…that has no support…and tried to breathe.  she asked me if i was having a panic attack…i said that i was…she asked me what number…i said that it was a #10.  she asked if i wanted to do a breathing exercise to get the panic under control…i said that i wanted to.  then, i shut my eyes…and did 4 breaths in…followed by 8 seconds of exhale…emptying the lungs.  i did that three times.  she asked if i wanted to do more…and i declined.  i think that she was disappointed in me.  she asked me what was wrong…and i told her that i had a tough two weeks or so.  she asked me if i wanted to talk about it…i said that i wanted to.

and then…there she was…fifth gear…in all of her glory.  fifth gear avoided answering questions…talked over the therapist…and went on one long tangent after another.  covering topics such as:  going to church when i was younger, food and eating, body size, my parents, paul, melissa, the dogs, worry, etc.  after letting fifth gear go on endlessly…the therapist reined her in.

at which point, another panic attack was coming on…unbeknownst to my therapist.  she told me that i had missed too many group meetings to be able to join the group.  i told her that she only said something about group the previous session…and wrote it down on my homework paper.  she then countered saying that she was sure that she had mentioned it before.  then…she threw another bombshell at me…she said that she could only work with me until the end of september.  she said that her time at csnw was up.  however, she did give me the option of coming to see her on a sliding scale fee schedule.  i was shocked and perplexed.  she then said that she had mentioned it to me when we first met…i countered with the fact that i had not heard it before.  the discussion went back and forth.  i felt completely crazy and stupid.  those are things that i surely would have remembered.

what i learned this week…to say to myself, “that makes sense…”…and, “i can figure it out.”  when experiencing ptsd symptoms and panic attack symptoms…

i left therapy perhaps feeling worse than when i went in…after the business about the group and her saying that she said…that she was leaving…i just feel crazy and stupid…and not wanting to go back.

word reflection…

i intend to do a reflection on each of the words that i was given in therapy…in the hopes of perhaps finding some kind of revelations about myself.

i think that i will do the following —>

define the word, it’s actual meaning
what meaning did it hold for me in the past
what meaning does it hold for me today
any future goals pertaining to the word

what are {words} for?

the words are —>

shame
guilt
sad
afraid
angry
victimized
tired
energized
happy
calm
hungry
satiated
full-over
thirsty 

therapy – this week

hunh…i should have written my post right after therapy on monday…now i have to really think hard to remember what was said and done.

we first discussed what i believe that my “panic attacks” are.  sarah and i had discussed and figured out that perhaps i wasn’t necessarily fearing the next attack…but, fearing that i may not be prepared for the next *bad* thing to happen.  what we came up with in therapy is that what i am experiencing is severe anxiety…and all that “panic attacks” are…severe anxiety.

my therapist had asked me to make a list of ratings for my “panic attacks”.  she had me make three columns…scale, symptoms, scenarios.  we discussed my list…and came to a few conclusions.  1.)  my language reflects abuse in my past.  2.)  that i allow events (life) to happen to me, instead of being an active participant.  3.)  all i really want is to be believed, to be heard, and to be validated.  

so…the goal of my therapy for now…is for me to feel safe and secure, and able to express my thoughts and feelings…be believed, be heard, and be validated.  also, to be more self-sufficient and independent.  to be an active participant in life.  overcome past abuse, to move forward.

my therapist wrote several words on the back of my list.  she wanted me to study the words and focus on their meanings to me.  there was no homework given, but i may do something with the words for next monday.  it may be helpful.  the words are:  shame, guilt, sad, afraid, angry, victimized, tired, energized, happy, calm, hungry, satiated, full-over, thirsty.

therapy

therapy…

got to therapy in the middle of a panic attack.  i believe that it was at a 9 out of 10. 

this is how it happened —>

sarah and i went through mcdonald’s drive through at 12:45…my appointment was at 1 pm…so…in order to eat…i had to stuff everything that i could down my throat.  arrived at the building at 12:57 pm.  i panicked…and walked as quickly as i could to check in.  by this time…my heart was racing…i was fighting to breathe…and i became aware of the fact that i smelled just like greasy mcdonald’s french fries.  no sooner did i sit down…than some lady started questioning me about my patientslikeme.com shirt.  she obviously didn’t care that i was turning red and couldn’t breathe.  then the door opened…and someone with dark hair called my name.  i didn’t know who it was…i thought that perhaps they switched my therapist…no…they didn’t switch…my therapist just dyed her hair…and i no longer recognized her.  then…she held the door open for me while i tried to squeeze around and through her and another therapist without touching either one…and that just added onto my overall attack.  my therapist ended up turning on a fan…and let it point directly on me…which made me feel somewhat better.

we were following up on the idea of being afraid of the next panic attack happening.  my therapist asked me how i did when another person was having their own attack.  i said that i didn’t know.  she then let me know that she was going to have a panic attack right along with me…and i think that that just kind of amplified things in the moment.  she began to hyperventilate.  her eyes changed from light and sparkling to very dark and kind of scary.  i worried about what might happen to her…i worried about my own safety…i worried that i would hurt her feelings or lessen the experience somehow if i continued to follow down the road of spontaneous, inappropriate laughter that seemed to just overtake me.

what i learned —>

that panic disorder is not a mental ilmelness…it is an emotional disorder
that depression is not a mental illness…it is also an emotional disorder
a panic attack is no more than a burst of unnecessary adrenaline
ultimately…i can control my panic attacks
i can be in remission, if i am willing to do the work…i am!
i am very uncomfortable around someone having a panic attack
i have a problem with inappropriate laughter

what i need to do this week —>

make a journal or page that lists:  scale, symptoms, and scenarios of my panic disorder 
scale being on a level of 0-10
symptoms…like heart racing, sweating, blush, etc.
scenarios…what causes me to panic at different levels.

yesterday

yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone…don’t stop thinking about tomorrow…

yesterday i was completely exhausted.  i woke up at about 5 am…ate, showered…computered.  went with sarah and pam to look at house.  went with sarah to pick up gunther’s pills…then to mcdonald’s.  got dropped off for therapy.  went to pam’s house for sarah to take care of the dogs.  ran into safeway to get a few groceries…looked all over for bagelfulls…asked two people…no luck!  went home…played frisbee with dieter.  gunther peed in the car…and then proceeded to pee several more times in the yard before coming in.  had a ham and cheddar sandwich for dinner.  watched tv…fell asleep…woke up and put cpap on…woke up this moring at 3:30 am…now it is today.

plans for today…

plans —>

eat breakfast
shower
play frisbee with dieter
go to see house with sarah and her mom
go to therapy
go to see scott
go through ebay box
photograph collages
make an etsy account
post collages
make more collages

yesterday

well…yesterday was just a crappy day.  i should never have gotten out of chair!

what i did do —>

got ready
hurried to get to therapy on time
got to therapy, and was told that i did not have an appointment
waited to be seen
was told that therapist called in sick
left and went to taco bell
got 4 soft tacos and 1 beefy 5-layer burrito
ate in car while sarah drove
went to costco
couldn’t find a shady place to park…for gunther
sarah went in to get dog and cat food
went to the dollar store
sarah and gunther went to dr. rinta’s
went to mother d’s house
sarah fed her dogs
went home 
played frisbee with dieter
sorted art supplies in new shoe boxes
stacked them in the laundry room
watched tv
ate chili with tortilla chips
hooked up my cpap and went to sleep
now it is tomorrow…which is really today…yesterday is gone forever

therapy

it didn’t happen.  i waited all week to begin *work* on trying to disarm my panic and anxiety.  i got there, and was told that i didn’t have an appointment.  then, i was told to wait in the lobby, to see if i could be seen because my therapist had a cancellation.  i waited for 15 minutes…and nothing!  i went back to the receptionist, who was on the phone…some other girl then told me that my therapist had called in sick.  i asked why i was not called…she apologized for not calling to let me know.  i made another appointment while i was there.

my feelings —>

i felt crazy for showing up to an appointment that i supposedly did not have
i felt bewildered as i sat and waited to see if my therapist could see me
i felt overwhelmed…as i was already nearly in a full blown panic, and needed very badly to talk
i felt angry that i wasted my time, that no one called me to cancel, and that they made me sit and wait for no reason
i felt insignificant…as i was not important enough to call or email that my therapist called in sick