oh dear Lordie…i was so weak this week. i didn’t mean to, but, i went into my session…having a full-blown…#10…panic attack. i felt so stupid…and weak…i don’t like people seeing me like that…especially not my therapist! it was completely humiliating.
what caused it? i don’t know exactly. i think that my shirt was short…and i was very aware of it…trying to pull it down over my fat belly as i walked to the office. my therapist held the door open for me…and i always feel very self-conscious about my size when trying to slide past her with my big fat ass. and then, while i was huffing and puffing trying to make it down the hallway to her office,,,i let her know that i was sorry for not making it to the group on thursday (body, food, & mood). i asked her if she got my message, she said that she had…and then asked what was wrong with me. i told her that my blood sugar levels were all wonky…which was the truth…but told it in such a breathless…and fighting for breath fashion…i’m sure it came out weird…like i was lying or something.
once inside of her office…i sank down into the mushy sofa…that has no support…and tried to breathe. she asked me if i was having a panic attack…i said that i was…she asked me what number…i said that it was a #10. she asked if i wanted to do a breathing exercise to get the panic under control…i said that i wanted to. then, i shut my eyes…and did 4 breaths in…followed by 8 seconds of exhale…emptying the lungs. i did that three times. she asked if i wanted to do more…and i declined. i think that she was disappointed in me. she asked me what was wrong…and i told her that i had a tough two weeks or so. she asked me if i wanted to talk about it…i said that i wanted to.
and then…there she was…fifth gear…in all of her glory. fifth gear avoided answering questions…talked over the therapist…and went on one long tangent after another. covering topics such as: going to church when i was younger, food and eating, body size, my parents, paul, melissa, the dogs, worry, etc. after letting fifth gear go on endlessly…the therapist reined her in.
at which point, another panic attack was coming on…unbeknownst to my therapist. she told me that i had missed too many group meetings to be able to join the group. i told her that she only said something about group the previous session…and wrote it down on my homework paper. she then countered saying that she was sure that she had mentioned it before. then…she threw another bombshell at me…she said that she could only work with me until the end of september. she said that her time at csnw was up. however, she did give me the option of coming to see her on a sliding scale fee schedule. i was shocked and perplexed. she then said that she had mentioned it to me when we first met…i countered with the fact that i had not heard it before. the discussion went back and forth. i felt completely crazy and stupid. those are things that i surely would have remembered.
what i learned this week…to say to myself, “that makes sense…”…and, “i can figure it out.” when experiencing ptsd symptoms and panic attack symptoms…
i left therapy perhaps feeling worse than when i went in…after the business about the group and her saying that she said…that she was leaving…i just feel crazy and stupid…and not wanting to go back.