Tag Archive: sleep


good morning!

good morning starshine…the earth says, “hello!”

it was 4:30 am…still quite dark outside. the air conditioner was churning its recycled air throughout the house…incidently the temperature of the air inside was much warmer than the breeze from outside. it was the first time in days…that she hadn’t woken up with a sweat soaked t-shirt. the signs were all in place…hopefully, it would be a cooler weekend.

what woke her up? she couldn’t quite remember. she certainly must have slept well…her cpap was still attached to her face, and she felt envigorated…ready to face the day. but…back to what woke her up at 4:30 am. was it sarah mumbling in her sleep? was it gunther…sassing for his breakfast kibbles? or…was it her own growling stomach?

she was pulled from her rem sleep…initially by sarah, and the mumbling she was making in her sleep. she laid there…semi-awake, semi-asleep…trying to guess what sarah might be dreaming about. while almost dropping off of the deep sleep cliff…once again…she felt the very familiar touch of a soft, warm muzzle on her left elbow. “good morning, mama!”…gunther said in his own special way…”i have to go potty!”

they went outside together…the mama and her “boy”. it was nice outside. cooler outside, than inside. the morning air screamed fall…autumn…crisp, cool, clean. they went back inside together. he looked at her wanting his breakfast kibbles. she said that it wasn’t time yet. he let out a long sass of…”…oooooooooooooooooooooooh!” she caved. she had a sick and growling stomach. she decided to feed the dogs, so that she could feed herself, without feeling guilty.

she sat in her recliner…enjoying the darkness of the living room. she unwrapped a tuna sandwich from safeway. she took a bite, then another, and another…until it was gone. it filled her…she was quite satisfied. the air outside was much cooler than the air inside…and…crisp…very crisp. she thought to herself that fall was here…finally! she went back outside. she sat down…in an adirondack chair…in the cabana. watching dieter, gunther, and spreckles play.

she went inside. she turned off the air conditioner, and opened up the house. it began filling with the cool…outside air. she smiled to herself…thinking that fall had finally arrived. the air inside…became like the air outside. cool. crisp. clean. she sat back in her recliner. popped the foot rest up. closed her eyes…and embarked on a “cat nap.”

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and the plot thickens…

plot…

 

a baby’s room…painted light green with lavender bunny rabbits…stenciled on the walls. a young, dark-haired girl stands crib-side…staring. inside…lies an infant…bright red hair…a girl…cooing softly…returning the stare of the young girl…

the young girl’s room…painted light blue with aqua-colored starfish…stenciled on the walls. a young, dark-haired woman sits bed-side…listening. the dark-haired girl…is in bed…covers pulled up to her chin. she is talking…sometimes stopping to sniffle and wipe her nose. the girl starts sobbing…hard…then even harder. the woman gets up abruptly…telling the girl that everything was just a dream. she will not listen any further. her mind is made up. the girl is prone to histrionics. the woman turns toward the light…revealing a pregnant…largely swollen belly…

the young girl is left alone…scared, invalidated, not believed. it is not the first time…it is the reality that she has grown to accept. clearly…she was shown these things for a reason…

a baby is born…bright red hair…fair, fair skin…a girl. life will never be the same for the young girl…

the fire…the near drowning…the mutilation death of the neighbor’s cat. the fall off of the ladder…the medicine mix-up…the theft of their grandmother’s social security checks…

their parents believed her…the red-headed one. never did they listen to, or believe the dark-haired one. things accelerate from bad to worse…

a cold, hard cement jail cell. the dark-haired girl is now a woman…doing time. time for a crime…that is not her own. death. death is the sentence for the heinous murders committed. there she sits…counting down the days…till her ultimate demise…

a baby’s room…painted light green with lavender bunny rabbits…stenciled on the walls. a young, dark-haired girl stands crib-side…staring. inside…lies an infant…bright red hair…a girl…cooing softly…returning the stare of the young girl. the young girl stands…with her hands behind her back. holding…clutching…fiddling with a…white…plastic…bag…

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this is what you need to know…

i wouldn’t say anything to my 16 year old self. why? because my 16 year old self wouldn’t listen. at 16 years old…it would be too late. instead…i would corner my 7 year old self and read her the following:

Advice To Myself At Seven:

1. Do not dare your best friend, Audrey Bell, to pull the fire alarm…she will get in big trouble and get suspended for something that you suggested and dared her to do.

2. Do not punch your other best friend, Lyn Hanson, in the mouth because she said that she had a loose tooth…and could not get it out…she will end up losing two…the loose one and an adult one that will need an implant.

3. Do not hide in the boys bathroom and scare them…you will end up in Pastor Geiger’s office…and get a spanking that you will never forget.

4. Stop talking!!! Just because you think that you already know everything does not mean that everyone else does too. You are distracting others from learning and their grades are suffering.

5. Do not let your archenemy, Rebecca Beezer, get to you. Remain calm and levelheaded…use your smarts to beat her at her own game. Eventually…people will see that she is the “bad seed”. If you strike out at her…you will forever be labeled crazy and “evil”…she is your pastor’s daughter…they will always believe her over you…BE SMART…DO IT DIFFERENTLY!!!

6. Do not get involved with playing “Truth or Dare”…although you will always have a weakness for it…choose who you decide to play with very carefully!!! Some people just want to get you in trouble. When John Hoffman dares you to tell Mrs. Jones to “f@#k off”…do not do it…have a spasm…play deaf…fall out of your chair…anything…JUST DON’T DO IT!!! You will end up being the one who gets spanked in front of the whole class by Pastor Hoffman…John’s dad…then suspended…and then spanked again at home. Play Twister instead…just keep your clothes on.

7. Do not tell anyone that you are in the “Witness Relocation Program”…it freaks them out…kids tell their parents…their parents tell your parents…and you look like a nut job. I know that you are just kidding because you feel like you do not belong to your parents…but if you want to entertain people try juggling instead.

8. Take a paper bag with you to carpool every morning. The Kohl’s car is filthy…and eventually you will sit on melted chocolate and be teased mercilessly all day at school. If you put it down on the seat and sit on it…you will be able to avoid this embarrassment.

9. NEVER tell your mother about the dream that keeps you up every night for the nine months while she is pregnant. She will never be able to get past it. Pray all night if you have to…just keep quiet…and maybe she will love you.

10. Your life is about to change drastically…you have a sister now. Learn how to share and not be selfish. Make absolutely sure that she is safe and well-protected.

if i would have been able to tell my 7 year old self these things…i would have been able to save her from a lot of hurt and harm.

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ten tips for a happier life

1. Don’t worry
Worry is the least productive of all human activities and thoughts….

2. Don’t let needless fears preoccupy your life…
Most of things we fear never happen!!!

3. Don’t hold grudges…
That is one of the biggest and most unnecessary weights we carry through our lives..

4. Take on one problem at a time
It’s the only way to handle things anyway..one by one..

5. Don’t take your problems to bed with you.
They are bad and unhealthy companions for good natural sleep and rest…

6. Don’t take on the problems of other people..
They are better equipped to handle their own problems than you are..

7. Don’t live in the past.
It will always be there in your memories to enjoy..but don’t cling to it. Concentrate on what is happening right now in your life..and you will be happy in the present also..not just the past.

8. Be a good listener.
It is only when one listens..that one gets and learns ideas different from ones own…

9. Do not let frustration ruin and rule your life…
Self pity more than anything..interferes with positive actions..with moving forwards in our lives.

10. Count your blessings…
Don’t even forget the smallest blessings.. As many small blessings add up to large ones…

yesterday

yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone…don’t stop thinking about tomorrow…

yesterday i was completely exhausted.  i woke up at about 5 am…ate, showered…computered.  went with sarah and pam to look at house.  went with sarah to pick up gunther’s pills…then to mcdonald’s.  got dropped off for therapy.  went to pam’s house for sarah to take care of the dogs.  ran into safeway to get a few groceries…looked all over for bagelfulls…asked two people…no luck!  went home…played frisbee with dieter.  gunther peed in the car…and then proceeded to pee several more times in the yard before coming in.  had a ham and cheddar sandwich for dinner.  watched tv…fell asleep…woke up and put cpap on…woke up this moring at 3:30 am…now it is today.

when the lights go out

no power…no problem

 

this used to happen to my family all of the time when we lived out in the country, in california. we had all electric…including the pump for our well…without the use of the pump, we could not flush the toilet, shower, do dishes. living so far out in the boonies, we were always the last to get power restored…sometimes, we waited as long as three days. luckily, we had a wood stove, so, we could heat bottled water for washing, and we could warm food up on top of it.

we occupied our time during the day by doing our normal duties…school and work. at night, we would warm food on the wood stove…boil water to do the dishes and wash up…and either sit and play cards by candlelight, or read books with a battery powered book light.

now, as an adult, with my own home and family…i feel more of a need to be prepared. it is very important to me to be sure that if the power goes out, we have everything that we could possibly need. i would like my family to be as comfortable as possible.

if i hear thunder or see lightning, i make sure that the dogs have gone potty…and that they are back inside. i verify that the candles and flashlights are easily accessible. when the power goes out, we are prepared.

we occupy our time by playing cards, or a board game by candlelight. we talk and tell stories. we make sure that the dogs are safe and comfortable. we go to bed early, and hope for power in the morning.

now, the electric company tries their best to get our power back on because i utilize oxygen therapy for my ild.

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yesterday

well…yesterday was just a crappy day.  i should never have gotten out of chair!

what i did do —>

got ready
hurried to get to therapy on time
got to therapy, and was told that i did not have an appointment
waited to be seen
was told that therapist called in sick
left and went to taco bell
got 4 soft tacos and 1 beefy 5-layer burrito
ate in car while sarah drove
went to costco
couldn’t find a shady place to park…for gunther
sarah went in to get dog and cat food
went to the dollar store
sarah and gunther went to dr. rinta’s
went to mother d’s house
sarah fed her dogs
went home 
played frisbee with dieter
sorted art supplies in new shoe boxes
stacked them in the laundry room
watched tv
ate chili with tortilla chips
hooked up my cpap and went to sleep
now it is tomorrow…which is really today…yesterday is gone forever

*dream*

i dreamed that —>

i found out that sarah was secretly exercising and dieting without me.  she was going to the gym and swimming and lifting weights. i was mad because i had noticed a difference in her body size and shape…and asked her if she was dieting/exercising…and she said, “no, ” right to my face.  she lied.  i was so angry…then i woke up.

my prophetic dream

i saw the forces of good and evil clash in all out warfare. angels with swords avenging the deaths of the righteous…slaying demons to the right…and to the left.

 

i don’t know if i was dreaming or not, but when i was little…right before my sister was born…when i was between 6 and 7…i used to have really bad “dreams”…and my mother would have to come into the bedroom with me to try to get me to calm down. all i know…is that i told her exactly what i saw and heard and felt…and it just freaked her out…she forever changed how she felt about me…and we never could or have gotten past it…apparently i scared her really badly…and still to this day…she will not talk about it or tell me what it was that i said.

anyway…like i said before…i don’t know if it was dreams or stress…or some other force at work…but i didn’t sleep the whole time my mother was pregnant with my sister…i was too terrified to close my eyes.

i would “wake” up and see an old man sitting in the corner of my room. he was in sack cloth and covered with ash..he had a long flowing beard. he said that he was in mourning for what was to come.

at that point…the man would begin to reveal things…events to me. there were fires, floods, earthquakes, volcanoes, pestilence…all out plagues…destruction of every living thing…man and beast.

i saw the forces of good and evil clash in all out warfare. angels with swords avenging the deaths of the righteous…slaying demons to the right…and to the left.

the man told me that he was showing me these things for a reason…so that i might spread the word, and be ready to defend my faith…and that i might protect the faithful left alive on earth.

the man was a prophet…perhaps elijah. he told me that i was supposed to be a modern day messenger of God…and that was why i had been shown the prophetic acts of the end of days. i was chosen by God…

needless to say…when i told my mother that there was an old man in the corner of my room that not only talked to me…but, also showed me events to come in the future…that forever tainted me in her eyes…things were never the same for us ever again.

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so far today…

i have woken up several times with lillian (my mac book) balancing precariously on my lap
i gave myself my friday rebif injection
i took my morning pills
i made myself some little breakfast sandwiches with morning star farms sausage patties and colby jack cheese
i switched the girls out
i took everyone potty
i am still monitoring gunther’s bad stomach 

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