today…i plan to…

i plan to…

take a shower
get dressed
sort laundry
wash laundry
fold and put away laundry
scan collages
post collages
figure out shipping for nintendo
send buyer a paypal invoice
play frisbee with dieter
paint with gunther
go to the market

word reflection…

i intend to do a reflection on each of the words that i was given in therapy…in the hopes of perhaps finding some kind of revelations about myself.

i think that i will do the following —>

define the word, it’s actual meaning
what meaning did it hold for me in the past
what meaning does it hold for me today
any future goals pertaining to the word

plan for today…

laundry
trash
brush dogs
play with dogs
gunther painting
collage
scanning
photos
posting

therapy – this week

hunh…i should have written my post right after therapy on monday…now i have to really think hard to remember what was said and done.

we first discussed what i believe that my “panic attacks” are.  sarah and i had discussed and figured out that perhaps i wasn’t necessarily fearing the next attack…but, fearing that i may not be prepared for the next *bad* thing to happen.  what we came up with in therapy is that what i am experiencing is severe anxiety…and all that “panic attacks” are…severe anxiety.

my therapist had asked me to make a list of ratings for my “panic attacks”.  she had me make three columns…scale, symptoms, scenarios.  we discussed my list…and came to a few conclusions.  1.)  my language reflects abuse in my past.  2.)  that i allow events (life) to happen to me, instead of being an active participant.  3.)  all i really want is to be believed, to be heard, and to be validated.  

so…the goal of my therapy for now…is for me to feel safe and secure, and able to express my thoughts and feelings…be believed, be heard, and be validated.  also, to be more self-sufficient and independent.  to be an active participant in life.  overcome past abuse, to move forward.

my therapist wrote several words on the back of my list.  she wanted me to study the words and focus on their meanings to me.  there was no homework given, but i may do something with the words for next monday.  it may be helpful.  the words are:  shame, guilt, sad, afraid, angry, victimized, tired, energized, happy, calm, hungry, satiated, full-over, thirsty.

yesterday…

i started wearing my pedometer.  i thought that i would start off by walking at least 1000 steps…and then i would work myself up each day to a total of 10000.  needless to…i only made it to 500 steps…i am ashamed, sad, and just disgusted with myself.  i am going to try for 1000 tomorrow…and then try to improve each day.  i have to do something…i am addicted to food…i am getting fatter and fatter each day.

therapy

therapy…

got to therapy in the middle of a panic attack.  i believe that it was at a 9 out of 10. 

this is how it happened —>

sarah and i went through mcdonald’s drive through at 12:45…my appointment was at 1 pm…so…in order to eat…i had to stuff everything that i could down my throat.  arrived at the building at 12:57 pm.  i panicked…and walked as quickly as i could to check in.  by this time…my heart was racing…i was fighting to breathe…and i became aware of the fact that i smelled just like greasy mcdonald’s french fries.  no sooner did i sit down…than some lady started questioning me about my patientslikeme.com shirt.  she obviously didn’t care that i was turning red and couldn’t breathe.  then the door opened…and someone with dark hair called my name.  i didn’t know who it was…i thought that perhaps they switched my therapist…no…they didn’t switch…my therapist just dyed her hair…and i no longer recognized her.  then…she held the door open for me while i tried to squeeze around and through her and another therapist without touching either one…and that just added onto my overall attack.  my therapist ended up turning on a fan…and let it point directly on me…which made me feel somewhat better.

we were following up on the idea of being afraid of the next panic attack happening.  my therapist asked me how i did when another person was having their own attack.  i said that i didn’t know.  she then let me know that she was going to have a panic attack right along with me…and i think that that just kind of amplified things in the moment.  she began to hyperventilate.  her eyes changed from light and sparkling to very dark and kind of scary.  i worried about what might happen to her…i worried about my own safety…i worried that i would hurt her feelings or lessen the experience somehow if i continued to follow down the road of spontaneous, inappropriate laughter that seemed to just overtake me.

what i learned —>

that panic disorder is not a mental ilmelness…it is an emotional disorder
that depression is not a mental illness…it is also an emotional disorder
a panic attack is no more than a burst of unnecessary adrenaline
ultimately…i can control my panic attacks
i can be in remission, if i am willing to do the work…i am!
i am very uncomfortable around someone having a panic attack
i have a problem with inappropriate laughter

what i need to do this week —>

make a journal or page that lists:  scale, symptoms, and scenarios of my panic disorder 
scale being on a level of 0-10
symptoms…like heart racing, sweating, blush, etc.
scenarios…what causes me to panic at different levels.

plans for today…

plans —>

eat breakfast
shower
play frisbee with dieter
go to see house with sarah and her mom
go to therapy
go to see scott
go through ebay box
photograph collages
make an etsy account
post collages
make more collages

what i plan to do today…

i plan to —>

do laundry
help sarah go through stuff on porch for garage sale
help sarah go through the ebay box for the garage sale
post for sale items on craigslist
post garage sale ad on craigslist
drop off and pick-up gunther’s prescription
go grocery shopping
play frisbee with dieter
get more price stickers at big lots
work on collages
supervise gunther painting

one thing i learned recently about myself

what i learned…

 

i recently learned that i suffer from food addiction, a form of disordered eating.

a few months back, i decided to try the medi-fast diet to drop some weight. i had seen many of my friends and acquaintances have great success with the plan, and so i decided to give it a try. i thought that it would be so easy, all of what i needed was in a tiny little pouch…i just needed to add water. it was supposed to be that easy. i had always had great willpower and self-control…

the first three days were supposed to be the worst, but everyday after that was even worse. everyday, every hour, every minute…every meal i was so sad…i was grieving…grieving the loss of smell, taste, feeling of texture, ability to chew. i slipped into sadness and depression…i felt so hopeless, wanting to do the plan and lose weight…but, becoming so despondent that i had to quit. i rationalized to myself that medi-fast just wasn’t the right plan for me…and perhaps something else would be…all the while smothering the real reasons and feelings for my grief with food.

it was here, at this point, that i learned that i was addicted to food…that i had an eating disorder.

when the lights go out

no power…no problem

 

this used to happen to my family all of the time when we lived out in the country, in california. we had all electric…including the pump for our well…without the use of the pump, we could not flush the toilet, shower, do dishes. living so far out in the boonies, we were always the last to get power restored…sometimes, we waited as long as three days. luckily, we had a wood stove, so, we could heat bottled water for washing, and we could warm food up on top of it.

we occupied our time during the day by doing our normal duties…school and work. at night, we would warm food on the wood stove…boil water to do the dishes and wash up…and either sit and play cards by candlelight, or read books with a battery powered book light.

now, as an adult, with my own home and family…i feel more of a need to be prepared. it is very important to me to be sure that if the power goes out, we have everything that we could possibly need. i would like my family to be as comfortable as possible.

if i hear thunder or see lightning, i make sure that the dogs have gone potty…and that they are back inside. i verify that the candles and flashlights are easily accessible. when the power goes out, we are prepared.

we occupy our time by playing cards, or a board game by candlelight. we talk and tell stories. we make sure that the dogs are safe and comfortable. we go to bed early, and hope for power in the morning.

now, the electric company tries their best to get our power back on because i utilize oxygen therapy for my ild.