yes…that's the book for me

the b-i-b-l-e…

the bible was a mainstay in my life growing up. the book awed and captivated me…i felt compelled to read it…over and over again…each time, finding something…something that i could think about and ponder…and apply to my life. it was if God himself had spoken to me…after all, i was brought up to believe that the bible was the “inspired” word of God. the books…the chapters…the verses…all inspired by…all “breathed”…by God. how could that fact alone not captivate and pull one in?

well…God’s voice captivated me. it was a strong and absolute voice. in the old testament…before the “new law,” God had an angry and booming voice used to deal with the doubting Israelites wandering through the desert. God often times chose to speak in different ways, through different people and things. God spoke to moses via a burning bush. He spoke to king nebuchadnezzar via prophetic dreams interpreted by daniel. God spoke to abraham via an angel…asking him to sacrifice his only son isaac.

God began speaking very differently in the new testament…under the “new law.” He now chose to speak through His only Son, Jesus. and…all of the sudden…not only does the voice change to one of love and acceptance…but…the written word changes too. the words that Jesus has spoken…are identified with a different color of ink…red! all of the sudden, the harsh and booming voice of God…gives way to the kind and gentle words of His Son…Jesus. Jesus knew how to talk to people…how to listen to their needs. He spent time with everyday people, with everyday problems…sharing His message of love and forgiveness. His voice…captivates me.

good morning!

good morning starshine…the earth says, “hello!”

it was 4:30 am…still quite dark outside. the air conditioner was churning its recycled air throughout the house…incidently the temperature of the air inside was much warmer than the breeze from outside. it was the first time in days…that she hadn’t woken up with a sweat soaked t-shirt. the signs were all in place…hopefully, it would be a cooler weekend.

what woke her up? she couldn’t quite remember. she certainly must have slept well…her cpap was still attached to her face, and she felt envigorated…ready to face the day. but…back to what woke her up at 4:30 am. was it sarah mumbling in her sleep? was it gunther…sassing for his breakfast kibbles? or…was it her own growling stomach?

she was pulled from her rem sleep…initially by sarah, and the mumbling she was making in her sleep. she laid there…semi-awake, semi-asleep…trying to guess what sarah might be dreaming about. while almost dropping off of the deep sleep cliff…once again…she felt the very familiar touch of a soft, warm muzzle on her left elbow. “good morning, mama!”…gunther said in his own special way…”i have to go potty!”

they went outside together…the mama and her “boy”. it was nice outside. cooler outside, than inside. the morning air screamed fall…autumn…crisp, cool, clean. they went back inside together. he looked at her wanting his breakfast kibbles. she said that it wasn’t time yet. he let out a long sass of…”…oooooooooooooooooooooooh!” she caved. she had a sick and growling stomach. she decided to feed the dogs, so that she could feed herself, without feeling guilty.

she sat in her recliner…enjoying the darkness of the living room. she unwrapped a tuna sandwich from safeway. she took a bite, then another, and another…until it was gone. it filled her…she was quite satisfied. the air outside was much cooler than the air inside…and…crisp…very crisp. she thought to herself that fall was here…finally! she went back outside. she sat down…in an adirondack chair…in the cabana. watching dieter, gunther, and spreckles play.

she went inside. she turned off the air conditioner, and opened up the house. it began filling with the cool…outside air. she smiled to herself…thinking that fall had finally arrived. the air inside…became like the air outside. cool. crisp. clean. she sat back in her recliner. popped the foot rest up. closed her eyes…and embarked on a “cat nap.”

la jolla…my favorite place in the world…so far

my favorite place in the world…so far…

i love la jolla. i was born and raised in san diego, california. most weekends…sundays after church, if we were “good girls,”…were spent at la jolla shores. my parents would lay out and sun themselves. my sister and i would swim in the ocean for hours…riding waves into shore on our boogie board. my mother would pack a great picnic lunch…either roast beef sandwiches and homemade potato salad…or shaved ham sandwiches and homemade potato cheese soup. it was always such a treat to sit on the 70′s colored bedspread…bright yellow and burnt orange flowers…in the warm sand…savoring every delicious bite of our picnic lunch.

Some of the places that made la jolla so dear to me include:

the birch aquarium at scripps institute of oceanography, http://www.aquarium.ucsd.edu/

the museum of contemporary art san diego, http://www.mcasd.org/

the sunny jim cave store, http://www.cavestore.com/

la jolla shores, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_Jolla_Shores

la jolla cove, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_Jolla_Cove

what i consider to be my ten best qualities

the list…

generous
i am very generous with what i have to offer others…whether it is my time, my money, or my help.

kindness
i am kind to others. i am often times the caring stranger that listens to another’s story, offers some money for food, or just gives a needed hug.

patience
i am a very patient person. i can wait for a very long time to get what i want. i have always felt that if something is worth having…it is worth waiting for.

loving
i am a very loving person. when i love a person, pet, or thing…i love it with my whole heart. i make sure that the person or pet know that they are very loved.

responsible
i am a very responsible person. i can always be counted on to be there…to do a good job…to help in any capacity.

trustworthy
i am a very trustworthy person. i can be trusted with secrets, money, plans. i can keep a secret as long as is needed.

loyalty
i am a very loyal person. i will stand by my friends or family to the bitter end. once i accept you…you gain my loyaty and trust…i will fight for you, i will believe in you, i will die for you.

honesty
i try to be a very honest person. i try to always tell the truth…even when the truth hurts. honesty is the best policy.

humor
i feel that i am a person who has a very good sense of humor. i try to look at this in a humorous way. laughter is the best medicine.

vigilance
i am a very vigilant person. i try to be ready and prepared for most anything…pet emergencies, earthquakes, sickness. it is always good to be prepared.

the notebook…it makes me sob every time

a very moving movie…

the notebook is a fantastic movie that deals with the theme of, “love conquers all.” it shows us that if we find our true soulmate in life, never give up…because someday, in someway…love will find you again…love will bring you and your soulmate together…forever. it also gives us a glimpse into love and aging. the movie gives a remarkably good look at what happens to a couple as they love each other, and get old. the movie very realistically depicts what it is like for one partner to have alzheimer’s, when the other does not…the frustration and the joy of some small remembrance.

this movie makes me cry every time. being a true romantic at heart, the love and level of intimacy that these characters possessed was just overwhelming. to me…it just screamed, “true love,” and, “love conquers all.” both of these values are very important to me, when it comes to selecting a partner. it also makes me cry, when the aged couple interacts with one another in such a knowing and loving way…him remembering every little detail…and her relying on him to tell her what she can no longer remember on her own. one could in the end, no longer live without the other…they were true soulmates.

do-over…is overdue

this is what i would do…

if i could take back something that i did to someone, it would be making sarah wait for four years before i moved in with her. if i could do it over again…i would move in with her the first time that she asked me to.

i want to take this back, because i caused her a great deal of pain and hurt. the longer that it took for me to leave my other living situation, the more sarah felt hurt and betrayed. my actions resulted in sarah feeling differently about me. i would like a do-over…so that she could actually feel loved by me.

i would move in with sarah right when she asked me to…that is what i would do differently. i would spare her any hurt or betrayal. she would respect me and love me more. we could have a better start as a couple.

…therapy…

today we were supposed to begin working on helping me to stop being anxious over the idea of having the next panic attack.  we were to begin by inducing a panic attack within the safe confines of therapy.  we had to, however, finish working on the skeleton of our plan…which was fine with me, because i wasn’t quite sure if i was ready for an all out attack! save that for next week…

i want to see:  eat pray love.  that is something that i would love to do in real life…go on an adventure…marvel at something.

today…i blurted out that i would make a great prisoner of war…then i said that was stupid.  i was told that it was survival…which is the opposite…which in reality is very smart.  i hadn’t thought about it that way.

i learned that addiction is an attachment.

and…i learned that people with body image/size disorders tend to have ptsd, as a form of coping mechanism.