good morning!

good morning starshine…the earth says, “hello!”

it was 4:30 am…still quite dark outside. the air conditioner was churning its recycled air throughout the house…incidently the temperature of the air inside was much warmer than the breeze from outside. it was the first time in days…that she hadn’t woken up with a sweat soaked t-shirt. the signs were all in place…hopefully, it would be a cooler weekend.

what woke her up? she couldn’t quite remember. she certainly must have slept well…her cpap was still attached to her face, and she felt envigorated…ready to face the day. but…back to what woke her up at 4:30 am. was it sarah mumbling in her sleep? was it gunther…sassing for his breakfast kibbles? or…was it her own growling stomach?

she was pulled from her rem sleep…initially by sarah, and the mumbling she was making in her sleep. she laid there…semi-awake, semi-asleep…trying to guess what sarah might be dreaming about. while almost dropping off of the deep sleep cliff…once again…she felt the very familiar touch of a soft, warm muzzle on her left elbow. “good morning, mama!”…gunther said in his own special way…”i have to go potty!”

they went outside together…the mama and her “boy”. it was nice outside. cooler outside, than inside. the morning air screamed fall…autumn…crisp, cool, clean. they went back inside together. he looked at her wanting his breakfast kibbles. she said that it wasn’t time yet. he let out a long sass of…”…oooooooooooooooooooooooh!” she caved. she had a sick and growling stomach. she decided to feed the dogs, so that she could feed herself, without feeling guilty.

she sat in her recliner…enjoying the darkness of the living room. she unwrapped a tuna sandwich from safeway. she took a bite, then another, and another…until it was gone. it filled her…she was quite satisfied. the air outside was much cooler than the air inside…and…crisp…very crisp. she thought to herself that fall was here…finally! she went back outside. she sat down…in an adirondack chair…in the cabana. watching dieter, gunther, and spreckles play.

she went inside. she turned off the air conditioner, and opened up the house. it began filling with the cool…outside air. she smiled to herself…thinking that fall had finally arrived. the air inside…became like the air outside. cool. crisp. clean. she sat back in her recliner. popped the foot rest up. closed her eyes…and embarked on a “cat nap.”

so far today…

i have —>

answered plinky prompts
blogged
fed the dogs
given the dogs their meds
given ben his meds
heated up leftover bacon, cheddar cheese burger pizza for breakfast
taken my pills
taken the dogs out to play

la jolla…my favorite place in the world…so far

my favorite place in the world…so far…

i love la jolla. i was born and raised in san diego, california. most weekends…sundays after church, if we were “good girls,”…were spent at la jolla shores. my parents would lay out and sun themselves. my sister and i would swim in the ocean for hours…riding waves into shore on our boogie board. my mother would pack a great picnic lunch…either roast beef sandwiches and homemade potato salad…or shaved ham sandwiches and homemade potato cheese soup. it was always such a treat to sit on the 70′s colored bedspread…bright yellow and burnt orange flowers…in the warm sand…savoring every delicious bite of our picnic lunch.

Some of the places that made la jolla so dear to me include:

the birch aquarium at scripps institute of oceanography, http://www.aquarium.ucsd.edu/

the museum of contemporary art san diego, http://www.mcasd.org/

the sunny jim cave store, http://www.cavestore.com/

la jolla shores, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_Jolla_Shores

la jolla cove, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_Jolla_Cove

this is the burr in my butt that i am avoiding

avoiding the diet…

i am avoiding starting my anti-inflammation diet. i know that i should have already started…i told dr. basch that i would start the first of july…now, it is the middle of august…summer is almost over. i keep on finding new excuses to put off the start date…no money (to buy healthy fresh fruits and vegetables), the kitchen isn’t cleaned up yet, just need to eat some ice cream and pizza before i give them up for the diet.

i am avoiding starting my anti-inflammation diet because i very recently discovered that i am addicted to food. food plays a very large and important role in my life. it is there for the good and the bad. food is there for: celebrations, melt downs, family gatherings, sadness, happiness, etc. hoarding food, late night binges, and chronic overeating have taken a toll on me…they have compromised my health…and made me fatter than ever.

if i continue to avoid and put off my anti-inflammation diet, i will without doubt, be putting my health in great jeopardy. without exercise and proper diet, i am going to continue down this unhealthy path…and i don’t want to do it anymore. i want to be smaller. i want to be healthy. i want the best that life has to offer.

i will begin my anti-inflammation diet. i will get emotionally and physically healthy. i will be the best that i can be.

i am dying for…

muchas gracias —> cheese tamale combo and ground beef taco combo

dairy queen —> blizzard with chocolate ice cream, peanut butter, snicker’s, and reese’s peanut butter cups

cigarette —> basic light 100

yesterday…

i started wearing my pedometer.  i thought that i would start off by walking at least 1000 steps…and then i would work myself up each day to a total of 10000.  needless to…i only made it to 500 steps…i am ashamed, sad, and just disgusted with myself.  i am going to try for 1000 tomorrow…and then try to improve each day.  i have to do something…i am addicted to food…i am getting fatter and fatter each day.

so far today…

i have —>

taken the dogs outside
made myself some breakfast…msf patties with cheese
fed the dogs
blogged

one thing i learned recently about myself

what i learned…

 

i recently learned that i suffer from food addiction, a form of disordered eating.

a few months back, i decided to try the medi-fast diet to drop some weight. i had seen many of my friends and acquaintances have great success with the plan, and so i decided to give it a try. i thought that it would be so easy, all of what i needed was in a tiny little pouch…i just needed to add water. it was supposed to be that easy. i had always had great willpower and self-control…

the first three days were supposed to be the worst, but everyday after that was even worse. everyday, every hour, every minute…every meal i was so sad…i was grieving…grieving the loss of smell, taste, feeling of texture, ability to chew. i slipped into sadness and depression…i felt so hopeless, wanting to do the plan and lose weight…but, becoming so despondent that i had to quit. i rationalized to myself that medi-fast just wasn’t the right plan for me…and perhaps something else would be…all the while smothering the real reasons and feelings for my grief with food.

it was here, at this point, that i learned that i was addicted to food…that i had an eating disorder.

when the lights go out

no power…no problem

 

this used to happen to my family all of the time when we lived out in the country, in california. we had all electric…including the pump for our well…without the use of the pump, we could not flush the toilet, shower, do dishes. living so far out in the boonies, we were always the last to get power restored…sometimes, we waited as long as three days. luckily, we had a wood stove, so, we could heat bottled water for washing, and we could warm food up on top of it.

we occupied our time during the day by doing our normal duties…school and work. at night, we would warm food on the wood stove…boil water to do the dishes and wash up…and either sit and play cards by candlelight, or read books with a battery powered book light.

now, as an adult, with my own home and family…i feel more of a need to be prepared. it is very important to me to be sure that if the power goes out, we have everything that we could possibly need. i would like my family to be as comfortable as possible.

if i hear thunder or see lightning, i make sure that the dogs have gone potty…and that they are back inside. i verify that the candles and flashlights are easily accessible. when the power goes out, we are prepared.

we occupy our time by playing cards, or a board game by candlelight. we talk and tell stories. we make sure that the dogs are safe and comfortable. we go to bed early, and hope for power in the morning.

now, the electric company tries their best to get our power back on because i utilize oxygen therapy for my ild.

today was a good day…

woke up
ate some dry cereal
took pills
took shower
fed dogs
gave dogs meds
took dogs potty
put the girl’s into their crates
leashed gunther
said the prayer
went with mother davis to the rosemary cafe for breakfast
mother davis had a pepsi and everybody’s eggs with cheddar…and rosemary potatoes, with sourdough toast
sarah had a scramble with swiss, spinach, pesto, and onion…potatoes…and sourdough toast
i had a scramble with bacon, swiss, spinach, onions, and green chiles…potatoes…and a bagel with cream cheese and jelly
bought 3 peanut butter cookies, a day old lemon cookies, and a cinnamon strudel muffin
went to steve’s garage sale
went to cost plus
bought tortilla chips and salsa
went to michael’s
bought canvas boards, tempera paint, paint brushes, medium matte gel, artist trading cards
came home
played frisbee with dieter
talked to melissa
talked to mom
blogged