yes…that's the book for me

the b-i-b-l-e…

the bible was a mainstay in my life growing up. the book awed and captivated me…i felt compelled to read it…over and over again…each time, finding something…something that i could think about and ponder…and apply to my life. it was if God himself had spoken to me…after all, i was brought up to believe that the bible was the “inspired” word of God. the books…the chapters…the verses…all inspired by…all “breathed”…by God. how could that fact alone not captivate and pull one in?

well…God’s voice captivated me. it was a strong and absolute voice. in the old testament…before the “new law,” God had an angry and booming voice used to deal with the doubting Israelites wandering through the desert. God often times chose to speak in different ways, through different people and things. God spoke to moses via a burning bush. He spoke to king nebuchadnezzar via prophetic dreams interpreted by daniel. God spoke to abraham via an angel…asking him to sacrifice his only son isaac.

God began speaking very differently in the new testament…under the “new law.” He now chose to speak through His only Son, Jesus. and…all of the sudden…not only does the voice change to one of love and acceptance…but…the written word changes too. the words that Jesus has spoken…are identified with a different color of ink…red! all of the sudden, the harsh and booming voice of God…gives way to the kind and gentle words of His Son…Jesus. Jesus knew how to talk to people…how to listen to their needs. He spent time with everyday people, with everyday problems…sharing His message of love and forgiveness. His voice…captivates me.

i'm a believer

i do believe

 

i do not describe myself as spiritual or religious. i describe myself as being a “believer”. i believe in God. i believe in love. i believe that animals go to heaven. i believe in good…as well as evil. the right to bear arms…freedom of speech…higher education…pet adoption…helping the hopeless…i believe.

i was raised in a very conservative, Christian home. we attended a non-denominational, evangelical church…Christian missionary and alliance church. We went to church and sunday school on sundays…and awana on wednesday nights. my mother had me involved in the Bible memory association as soon as i could read. my great aunt amy was a missionary in kenya, africa for 60 years.

my family, and my upbringing are what formed my beliefs. the God that i was told about, as a child and young adult…was an angry and vengeful God. a God that would leave you behind (when the rapture came) if you misbehaved. a God that would strike you down with injury or illness for not having enough faith. this God did not love or tolerate…homosexuals…smokers…people with tattoos…cheaters…homeless…the infirmed. this was a God of fear. this God left me terrified. i grew up believing that i was going to be left behind (when the rapture came), and that i was going to hell.

over time…once i left my family of origin, my beliefs began to change. i began to feel love and acceptance from a very strange place…God…my God. a God of love and acceptance…and peace. a God who heard my prayers, and answered them. a God who loved me unconditionally. i went from a place of fear…to a place of faith. my beliefs shifted from a vengeful, angry God…to that of a kind and loving God. i became a believer.

my God loves me…unconditionally! He loves everyone unconditionally…homosexuals…smokers…people with tattoos…cheaters…homeless…and the infirmed. i believe…my God is love!

what are {words} for?

the words are —>

shame
guilt
sad
afraid
angry
victimized
tired
energized
happy
calm
hungry
satiated
full-over
thirsty 

therapy – this week

hunh…i should have written my post right after therapy on monday…now i have to really think hard to remember what was said and done.

we first discussed what i believe that my “panic attacks” are.  sarah and i had discussed and figured out that perhaps i wasn’t necessarily fearing the next attack…but, fearing that i may not be prepared for the next *bad* thing to happen.  what we came up with in therapy is that what i am experiencing is severe anxiety…and all that “panic attacks” are…severe anxiety.

my therapist had asked me to make a list of ratings for my “panic attacks”.  she had me make three columns…scale, symptoms, scenarios.  we discussed my list…and came to a few conclusions.  1.)  my language reflects abuse in my past.  2.)  that i allow events (life) to happen to me, instead of being an active participant.  3.)  all i really want is to be believed, to be heard, and to be validated.  

so…the goal of my therapy for now…is for me to feel safe and secure, and able to express my thoughts and feelings…be believed, be heard, and be validated.  also, to be more self-sufficient and independent.  to be an active participant in life.  overcome past abuse, to move forward.

my therapist wrote several words on the back of my list.  she wanted me to study the words and focus on their meanings to me.  there was no homework given, but i may do something with the words for next monday.  it may be helpful.  the words are:  shame, guilt, sad, afraid, angry, victimized, tired, energized, happy, calm, hungry, satiated, full-over, thirsty.

fifth gear

i am very much like the transmission of a manual drive car.  when i wake up in the morning…trying to open my eyes…i am in first gear.  when i walk to the bathroom…and look at my reflection in the mirror…i am in second gear…still moving slowly…but, faster than before.  when i am eating my breakfast…refueling my energy…i am in third gear.  when i am driving in the car…singing along to the music on the radio…i am moving right along…and i am in fourth gear.  

three gears remain:  neutral, reverse, and fifth gear

neutral —>

neutral is complete ambivalence.  neutral has no opinion.  neutral agrees with anything, just to be left alone.

reverse —>

reverse is no steps forward, and fifteen steps back.  reverse is a martyr and victim.  reverse is self-defeating.

fifth gear —>

fifth gear is shocking…there is no way to know what you’re going to get when fifth gear shows up.  fifth gear is a completely different entity.  fifth gear is confident, charismatic, and charming.  fifth gear can do anything…and be anyone.  fifth gear is the colleague that will take your job.  fifth gear never shows up…until…the transmission has been pushed to it’s maximum…it’s that one last, tiny, seemingly meaningless push…that releases the monster.  fifth gear will not back down from a fight.  fifth gear will get in your face.  fifth gear is very angry.

therapy

it didn’t happen.  i waited all week to begin *work* on trying to disarm my panic and anxiety.  i got there, and was told that i didn’t have an appointment.  then, i was told to wait in the lobby, to see if i could be seen because my therapist had a cancellation.  i waited for 15 minutes…and nothing!  i went back to the receptionist, who was on the phone…some other girl then told me that my therapist had called in sick.  i asked why i was not called…she apologized for not calling to let me know.  i made another appointment while i was there.

my feelings —>

i felt crazy for showing up to an appointment that i supposedly did not have
i felt bewildered as i sat and waited to see if my therapist could see me
i felt overwhelmed…as i was already nearly in a full blown panic, and needed very badly to talk
i felt angry that i wasted my time, that no one called me to cancel, and that they made me sit and wait for no reason
i felt insignificant…as i was not important enough to call or email that my therapist called in sick

*dream*

i dreamed that —>

i found out that sarah was secretly exercising and dieting without me.  she was going to the gym and swimming and lifting weights. i was mad because i had noticed a difference in her body size and shape…and asked her if she was dieting/exercising…and she said, “no, ” right to my face.  she lied.  i was so angry…then i woke up.